OLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

Al-Qaida leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was positively identified by coroners in Iraq Monday. A day later, al-Qaida named his successor. There may be a brief lull in the violence because Ann Coulter can't take over until after she finishes her book tour.

The Transplant Games begin in Kentucky Friday as organ transplant recipients compete in Olympic sports. It's so inspirational. The chairman of the games lit the flame Thursday and endorsed Ben Roethlisberger's right to ride without a helmet.

Mia Farrow visited Sudan Tuesday where she was greeted by African and Muslim tribesman who sang and danced for her. It never ends. When you've been married to Frank Sinatra and Woody Allen, everybody thinks you can get them into show business.

"The Da Vinci Code" passed $600 million at the world box office Sunday. Everyone loves this story about a hooker who married Jesus. In a related story, Heather Mills McCartney has just resurrected tabloid newspaper sales in London.

Germany defeated Poland in the World Cup Wednesday before 100,000 fans in Berlin. The singing was earthshaking. Afterward, the German government made the usual addict's claim that this time they can stop after taking one country.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest sued Kentucky Fried Chicken on Tuesday. The health police group wants the chicken cooked in a different kind of oil. Unfortunately we're all going to die since the oil belongs to the Iraqi people.

President Bush said Wednesday he understands how Guantanamo Bay prison hurts America's image in the world but insisted it's necessary. He said we need a plan to deal with dangerous people. Electing them has not worked out as well as we hoped.

President Bush returned from his surprise trip to Iraq Tuesday. His schedule had him in Camp David to listen to advice for two days. After just one day of it he bolted to Baghdad where U.S. troops were right there to shoot anybody who disagrees with him.

President Bush made fun of a White House reporter for wearing sunglasses on Wednesday, not knowing the guy was blind. He should have known. The only reporters who can still get White House press credentials are either blind, deaf or with Fox News.

Congress heard about fraud by Hurricane Katrina survivors Wednesday, including one man who spent federal aid on Girls Gone Wild videos. What a waste of money. If some guy liked to see chicks in wet T-shirts, all he had to do was look outside.

Hillary Clinton's financial disclosure released Wednesday shows Bill made $7 million in speaking fees last year. He's come a long way from Arkansas. He may be the only Democrat now whose support for immigration reform is fueled by the servant shortage.

Palestinian Foreign Minister Mahmoud Zahar returned Wednesday from a trip where he tried to raise money for state salaries. He brought home $20 million in cash inside his luggage. He's the first Hamas terrorist ever to be a contestant on "Deal or No Deal."

Condi Rice told the Southern Baptist Convention Wednesday that by the end of her term it will have been 12 years since a white man was secretary of state. She's absolutely right. It's been like this ever since the Senate Foreign Relations Committee started asking nominees if their ancestors had ever owned slaves.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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