HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

CIA Director Porter Goss was summoned to the White House Friday where he was told to resign his office. He knew he was in trouble the moment he got into his staff limousine. The driver was Patrick Kennedy and Dick Cheney was sitting shotgun.

Congressman Patrick Kennedy announced he's entering rehab after crashing his car while sleep-driving on prescription medication. His family is there for him. For the next 28 days he will occupy the Kennedy Chair at the Mayo Clinic.

CIA officials were investigated Friday for arranging hookers for congressmen at the Watergate Hotel. It could prompt another protest march by illegal aliens. Every morning the hotel maid finds at least a thousand dollars in the sofa cushions.

Al-Qaida terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui went to prison for the rest of his life Thursday. He's going to be totally isolated and walled in with no contact with the outside world. It sounds like Johnny Carson's last 10 years, only without the boat.

President Bush declared a National Day of Prayer at the White House Thursday accompanied by clergy of various faiths. Even the president's opponents have to agree that God and President Bush are alike in one respect. They listen to everyone.

Paramount and the Los Angeles Times are under fire for a Mission Impossible promotion. They wired theme-playing music boxes in news racks. People see the wires and then call the bomb squad, who are only trained to defuse Kevin Costner movies.

Bill Clinton agreed Thursday to address a Fox News retreat. The network spent its first five years trying to get rid of him. Growing up in Arkansas he never imagined the day he would frame a hundred-thousand-dollar check rather than cash it.

ABC's Commander in Chief starring Geena Davis was canceled Thursday. The show was given a fair chance. Viewers tuned in for eight weeks and when they didn't get any food stamps, subsidized housing or free health insurance, they stopped watching.Congress dropped to a new low 25 percent approval rating Friday. It is all in self-defense. Americans today cannot imagine how life could be any more anxious and complicated and expensive than it already is, but Congress can.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist attended the Kentucky Derby on Saturday at Churchill Downs in Louisville. It was more of the same. He got withering looks from everybody at the window when he tried to put a hundred bucks on Gas Tax Rebate.

Tony Blair dumped Jack Straw as foreign secretary in Britain Friday. He had been going on television saying it would be inconceivable to bomb Iran. Warren Buffett became a billionaire by investing in bomb shelters at just such moments as this.The Kansas legislature passed a law last week making it a crime for girls under the age of 15 to get married. The bill was long overdue. The state's annual Take Our Daughters to Las Vegas day was starting to attract Southerners to Kansas.

The Oklahoma Sooners and Texas Longhorns agreed Thursday to keep their annual game at the Cotton Bowl. This is a weekend of drinking, singing and fighting between cousins. It's pretty much the Protestant version of an Irish family reunion.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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