OLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

Malibu was pounded by 30-foot waves Tuesday churned up by a storm in the Pacific. Tourists flocked to the beach anyway. If you hold a seashell up to your ear you can hear the National Security Agency listening in on Elton John's honeymoon.

The New York transit strike shut down subways and bus service Wednesday. The nation watched millions of New Yorkers walking to work over the Brooklyn Bridge in freezing temperatures. It was everybody's first good look at energy independence.

New York Republicans began looking for a Senate candidate Wednesday. Richard Nixon's son-in-law Ed Cox has expressed interest. The moment federal wiretapping without warrants became legal, Nixon's ghost began looking for a body to occupy.

Saddam Hussein testified Tuesday he was beaten and tortured by the Americans on every part of his body. It's the most manipulative thing anybody's ever seen. If Mel Gibson wants to make a movie about Saddam Hussein he knows where to find him.

"The Producers" opened Friday about two Broadway con men who produce a musical called "Springtime for Hitler." Reviews were mixed. The Los Angeles Times loved the movie but Fox News called the dance numbers disrespectful to the vice president.

Dick Cheney cast the tie-breaking vote in the U.S. Senate on Wednesday to pass the bill that cut $40 billion in federal benefits. It threw people out onto the streets at Christmas. He's auditioning to run General Motors after he leaves office.

President Bush visited wounded soldiers at Bethesda Naval Hospital Wednesday in Maryland. It was emotional for everyone. Some of the soldiers were moved to tears when they saw the hit that President Bush has taken on this wiretapping story.

President Bush claimed the right to eavesdrop on U.S. citizens without a court order on Monday. This is why Republicans will never lose the South. It created such a firestorm that from 12 miles away, Washington, D.C., looked like a Klan rally.

Senator Ted Stevens was furious Wednesday when his provision allowing Alaska oil drilling was stripped from the defense bill. He's a longtime friend of the oil industry. Ted Stevens has a sign on his desk that reads, "It's Just a Seagull."

Don Rumsfeld said the number of U.S. troops in Afghanistan will be reduced by 3,500 next spring. We got lucky there. When Afghan opium producers heard that the president's father's nickname was Poppy Bush, they figured we were cool.

Governor Jeb Bush signed a law Monday making it a crime for lobbyists to ply lawmakers with food, liquor and gifts. This is a bad idea. If government service isn't going to be any fun then we're going to lose our best people to show business.

Soviet Union ruler Josef Stalin was honored with a statue in a small Russian town Wednesday on the anniversary of his birth. He was a towering figure in world history. Josef Stalin was the only man awarded the Nobel Peace Prize just for dying.

French surgeons were mentioned for the Nobel Prize for Medicine Thursday for performing the world's first face transplant. It's another bogus French claim. Anyone who ever watched the Golden Globes will tell you it's been done lots of times.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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