A JOLLA ? God bless America, and how's everybody?

Hurricane Rita threatened the evacuees in the Houston Astrodome Wednesday. Hurricane Katrina just chased them out of New Orleans. Black leaders are demanding that the next hurricane be named after Lester Maddox just so everybody knows what's going on.

Cindy Sheehan will headline an antiwar demonstration on the National Mall on Saturday. The president is so relieved. He's tired of being blamed for disasters that aren't his fault when he's given everybody so much other material to work with.

Rafael Palmiero was put under investigation Monday for lying to Congress last March. He swore he never took steroids and then tested positive for steroids. He was such a convincing liar that both parties are recruiting him to run for Congress.

The New York Post said Mayor Mike Bloomberg uses his own limo as a love nest when he's out on dates. What a breath of fresh air. Up until now a Republican's idea of a love nest was a plush leather folder filled with tax-free municipal bonds.

Junior Gotti won a mistrial in New York Tuesday. He retired from the mob six years ago. Say what you will about the Gotti family, but when they were in charge of protection in New York the Twin Towers weren't even struck by the janitors union.

Mel Brooks began casting "Young Frankenstein" on Broadway Monday. It's the story of a monster brought back to life by a lightning bolt and a faithful staff. If you think it could never happen check out the giant antenna on the roof of the Nixon Library.

President Bush spent Tuesday in New Orleans monitoring Hurricane Rita aboard the USS Iwo Jima. He wasn't able to stay long. Before noon the Gallup Poll released his latest job approval ratings and he had to be transferred to the Titanic.

President Bush proposed huge spending projects Thursday to improve the lives of disaster victims. Conservatives are livid. He spends money so fast the National Association of Divorced Husbands just voted to name George Bush an honorary ex-wife.

The President's Cup began today at the Robert Trent Jones Golf Club in Washington, D.C. Bill Clinton and former President Bush plan to participate. They have spent so much of their lives in the deep rough they can tell you which plants are edible.

China Daily reported Tuesday that a company in China has named a condom after Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. It's a free political advertisement. The only thing the Democrats have going for them is that it's no fun being a Republican.

Don Rumsfeld congratulated Afghan President Hamid Karzai on successful elections Tuesday. He campaigned on a promise to leave the poppy farmers alone. The White House is spinning the policy as a breakthrough in the availability of new arthritis medicine.

The U.S. Senate banned the import of Japanese beef Monday. They're angry Japan banned U.S. beef due to Mad Cow disease. However, the run-off from New Orleans into the ocean has made the choice between beef and fish a far more sporting proposition.

The Justice Department argued to a Texas court this week that Pope Benedict cannot be sued for covering up child molestation by priests because he is a head of state. It doesn't bother the former Cardinal Ratzinger. When Simon Wiesenthal died Tuesday the pope slept with his door unlocked for the first time in 60 years.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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