OLLYWOOD ? God bless America, and how's everybody?

ABC News aired a videotape Sunday from an al-Qaida operative raised in America who threatened to attack Los Angeles. There's been no local panic. No one in Los Angeles will even hear about the threat until somebody mentions it on the E! Channel.

Al-Qaida operative Adam Gadahn, who threatened Los Angeles Sunday, was raised in conservative Orange County. It's hard to believe. Many Americans wear Nixon masks on Halloween night, but in Orange County they wear them on first dates to make a good impression.

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission voted last Friday to bury tons of nuclear waste in Utah. The desert is the safest place for radioactive material. Frank Sinatra's liver was buried near Palm Springs six years ago and so far there is no sign of widespread contamination.

Bellamy Road, owned by George Steinbrenner, ran at Belmont racetrack Saturday in New York to prepare for the Breeder's Cup. They should forget about putting him out to stud. Gasoline is so expensive the horse would make more money if he's put out to carpool.

Supreme Court confirmation hearings for John Roberts got under way Monday in the Senate Judiciary Committee. It was exactly what everyone expected. The nominee regained the will to live yesterday when Oprah showed up with two truckloads of aid.

The New Orleans Saints brought joy to their beleaguered fans Sunday by edging Carolina with a field goal on the last play of the game. Thank goodness they won by only three points. The last thing they needed in New Orleans was another blowout.

Oklahoma Southern Baptists last week offered New Orleans hurricane refugees free food and lodging at their beautiful church camp in the Arbuckle Mountains; however, they would not be allowed to drink or smoke. So far there have been no arrivals. If they could live in a church camp, they would not be from New Orleans.

President Bush flew to the Gulf Coast Sunday to resume consoling hurricane victims. He got some good advice from Bill Clinton that could save his presidency. He told him to start hugging black people like every one of them is Condoleezza Rice.

Teddy Kennedy called last Friday for Republicans to drop income and inheritance tax cuts to finance hurricane relief. It's dismaying. The difference between death and taxes is that Democrats can't think of a way to make death worse than it is.

Dick Cheney returned from a tour of the hurricane disaster area Sunday. He had to be moved. Everywhere he looked he saw emaciated bodies, gaunt faces, and hollowed-out eyes with looks of despair, and that was just the Homeland Security secretary.

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff explained red tape problems in hurricane response by pointing out that Homeland Security combines 100 agencies under one roof. It takes awhile for Republicans to grasp this concept. They have never been inside a Wal-Mart.

FEMA Director Michael Brown was told to leave Louisiana last Friday and return to his office in Washington, D.C. The office morale is still good. Last night his staff threw a party for him, gave him a gold watch, and told him what his job had been.

The U.S. Golf Association ordered golf ball makers to make golf balls that don't go so far off the tee. It's about time for action. Today's golf balls fly so far and so high, you can buy them in caplet form at jazz festivals.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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