OLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

The Texas Longhorns played the USC Trojans in the Rose Bowl for the national title. It pitted oil money versus real estate money. Some Washington lobbyists paid as much as 35 cigarettes for seats nearest the guard's television set.

Texas beat USC in the Rose Bowl for the national title Wednesday. Late in the game Texas stopped USC on fourth down like they knew ahead of time what play USC called. Let's not hear Texas complain that President Bush never did anything for them.

The Rose Bowl was watched by a huge television audience Wednesday. This game began under a spectacular crimson sunset and perfect weather. Real estate prices went up 15 percent by the end of the game but it still didn't beat the spread.

The Weather Channel showed receding floodwaters in California after flooding and mudslides and avalanches Monday. There were no fatalities. Thanks to a new law in California, everybody sitting on the front porch must be wearing a seat belt.

Lindsay Lohan said Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels confronted her about her bulimic look when she hosted the show. He shared his experience. He said if she did not stop using drugs she was going to have a major motion picture career.

Bolivia inaugurated coca farmer Evo Morales president Tuesday. He's promised to legalize cocaine production. He knows young people don't want to touch this diabolical drug, but he thinks Baby Boomers will relapse once the house is paid for.

Democratic Congressman Jack Murtha advised young Americans not to enlist in the military due to Iraq. They just had to raise the maximum recruiting age to 42. Iraq might not be another Vietnam, but at the rate they are going it might be a Vietnam reunion.

The White House said Wednesday President Bush can ignore the torture ban he signed. He believes he can wiretap, wage war and invoke secrecy when he feels like it. He got these ideas when he visited Thomas Jefferson's historic home, Mussolini.

Jack Abramoff pleaded guilty to conspiracy and wire fraud in Miami on Wednesday. He made a similar plea in Washington on Tuesday. Karl Rove called him Thursday and offered him a cushy job in the prison library if he would cop to outing Valerie Plame.

Tom DeLay, the AP reported, was flown to St. Andrews in Scotland with Republican lawmakers in golf junkets paid for by Jack Abramoff. It gets worse. Republicans are going to slit their wrists when they find out St. Andrews is a public golf course.

GOP congressmen hurriedly returned donations Tuesday from convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff. It's time for reform. Rickey Henderson's Major League record for most steals in one season was broken halfway through the defense appropriation bill.

New York Governor George Pataki gave his final State of the State address on Wednesday. He called for greater use of alternative fuels like ethanol. Only in politics do New Yorkers pack up and go to Iowa when they are ready for the big time.

Bathhouse Row in Hot Springs was threatened by wildfires burning in Arkansas Wednesday. Firefighters battled to save the historic buildings. The state film commission is hoping that Bathhouse Row will be the set for the sequel to "Brokeback Mountain."

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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