HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

The National Football League received a terrorist threat on Wednesday. It was a threat to deploy a radiological dirty bomb during a game Sunday. Terrell Owens immediately demanded to know why he's there if they're not going to throw it to him.

Major League Baseball offered to sell fans caskets with their favorite team's logo on them along with uniforms to be buried in. It gets worse. After the casket has been lowered, a Billy Martin impersonator will kick the dirt back into the grave.

Miami University president Donna Shalala decided not to suspend any players for brawling Saturday. She's just doing her job. When the university hired a Clinton cabinet member they assumed she had world class looking-the-other-way skills.

The London Mail released confidential papers about Sir Paul McCartney saying he used illegal drugs and drank heavily and lunged at his wife with a broken wine glass. The papers were leaked Wednesday. It's his application to the House of Lords.

Las Vegas hotel owner Steve Wynn accidentally put his elbow through a Picasso he had just sold for $140 million. Now it's almost worthless. President Bush called and asked if he ever thought about being Secretary of Defense.

President Bush signed a law Tuesday giving him power to declare any American citizen an enemy combatant and to detain them without rights. It didn't scare everyone in Hollywood. Mitzi Shore always dreamed of opening a Comedy Store in Cuba.

Bill Clinton called upon Americans to celebrate their religious differences on Wednesday. Evangelicals really appreciate him now. Ever since the Mark Foley scandal, home-school students learn about sex by studying the Clinton administration.

Bush said Saturday he has decided to take a less bellicose approach toward North Korea. They're a lucky country. He doesn't want to be less bellicose but this is the time of the year when the president is required to pardon a turkey.

Bush was in North Carolina Wednesday where he visited a third-grade class in Greensboro. The election is nearing. He tried to adopt three of the kids to increase his popularity but Madonna had already picked them out the night before.

Bush, it was reported Wednesday, signed an order declaring America's right to keep other countries from using space for hostile purposes. He signed it just in time. Somebody needs to stop Pluto before it forms an alliance with Iran.

California Democrat Phil Angelides accused Arnold Schwarzenegger Thursday of backing South Africa's apartheid regime. It was a long time ago. At that stage in his career he really had no choice where they were going to film Conan the Barbarian.

Condi Rice told Tokyo Thursday the U.S. is committed to defending Japan. Flags of Our Fathers is coming out this weekend. Whenever America gets bogged down in a quagmire we like to bring up our last successful occupation, just for reassurance.

A Wall Street Journal poll Wednesday showed sixteen percent of Americans approve of the job Congress is doing. That says something about us as a nation. Sure they are overspending, bribe-taking, Constitution-erasing sheep and shielders of pedophiles but still, one American in six appreciates their entertainment value.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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