OLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

The NFL investigated the Indianapolis Colts Tuesday for piping in artificial crowd noise over loudspeakers during all home games. It's an outrage. President Bush likes the idea so much he's looking into it for his State of the Union Address.

Barry Bonds revealed Tuesday he plans to change his physique and lose 40 pounds next season. It illustrates how athletes have different metabolisms. Michael Irvin gained 40 pounds when his supplier was convicted and sent to jail.

Saddam Hussein was the talk of the Arab world after his court appearance on Monday. His hair was dyed black with gray sideburns and he wore a sport jacket with no necktie. The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy team has worked its magic again.

French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin in an interview Tuesday insisted the Paris car burnings indicated social unrest and were not a riot. The protesters burned and destroyed 1,700 Renaults. Think of the lives that were saved.

Laura Bush previewed the White House Christmas decorations Wednesday for the press. Dick Cheney clearly had a hand in the work. The trees will be decorated with live flowers fastened in test tubes of water until they confess what they know.

The Seattle Times reported Wednesday a man pleaded guilty to trespassing in a neighbor's barn and having sex with a horse. He was not charged with animal cruelty. Sending the horse candy and flowers might have saved him six years in jail.

California U.S. Congressman Duke Cunningham confessed Tuesday to taking bribes from defense contractors. His plan seemed foolproof. He accepted a Rolls-Royce, a yacht and a $2 million home in Rancho Santa Fe, where nobody would notice.

House Democrat John Murtha called for moving U.S. forces to Kuwait Wednesday. No wonder the president opposes stem-cell research. After years of mixing and matching DNA strands, someone's finally put together a Democrat with a plan to get out of Iraq.

President Bush gave a war speech to a cheering audience at the Naval Academy on Wednesday. The students were let out of class to give him a crowd. When he said the role of the troops was changing, he meant from props to backdrops to sound effects.

President Bush said Wednesday there will be no troop pullout from Iraq until his commanders say it's time. He believes he only gets good advice from people he can fire. Saddam Hussein would tell him that's a great way to lose your country.

President Bush admitted on Wednesday that victory in Iraq will take time and patience. Iraq is just the beginning. The White House is denying that the latest series of earthquakes is a part of President Bush's plan to destabilize Los Angeles.

The Pentagon, it was learned Wednesday, is paying Iraqi newspapers to publish nice stories about the U.S. effort in Iraq. Talk about nerve. They should have known something was up when a television critic gave four stars to Everybody Loves Colonialism.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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