OLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

Tom Cruise was blindsided by a Gallup Poll Tuesday showing his approval rating down to 30 percent. We've gotten to know way too much about him. Tom Cruise's secrets are so creepy that President Bush is sorry he started wiretapping.

Longtime Nebraska Cornhusker coach Tom Osborne lost the GOP primary for governor Tuesday. He never stood a chance. Tom Osborne stood for lower taxes and lower gas prices and a strong national defense, but his opponent promised to beat Oklahoma.

Major League Baseball granted permission for players to use pink bats Sunday to honor breast cancer awareness. Breasts matter to ballplayers. Half of Barry Bonds' income is from baseball and the other half is from the Dow Corning settlement.

Barry Bonds demanded a contract extension from the San Francisco Giants this week despite his advancing age. He missed playing Monday night, complaining of gas pains. His trainer warned him not to fill up his car on the way to the ballpark.

HBO was reported Wednesday to be planning a new sitcom set in Baghdad called "Hotel Palestine." It follows the merry adventures of journalists covering the war. You knew it was inevitable when we got a CIA director who looks just like Colonel Klink.

Germany sentenced convicted cannibal Armin Meiwes to life in prison Tuesday in Frankfurt. He admitted killing and eating a young man he met on the Internet. It will be a long time before anybody looks for love in the Men Seeking Lunch category.

President Bush dismissed the letter he received Monday from Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmedinejad as irrelevant. The letter mentioned President Bush seven times and Jesus Christ 10 times. Nothing annoys this president like second billing.

The U.N. Security Council was unable to reach agreement Wednesday about how to prevent Iran from developing nuclear weapons. How can America enforce nuclear inspections on the Iranians? We can't even get the car keys away from the Kennedys.

Iran's regime vowed Monday to crack down on athletes who sport an effeminate look. The mullahs don't like seeing blue hair, plucked eyebrows and white-powdered faces. Iran can be proud that their nuclear weapons labs are already up and leaking.

President Bush urged his brother Jeb to run for president Wednesday. He said he pushed him fairly hard about his intentions, but couldn't get an answer. Once he withstood the waterboard, not even sodium pentathol could get it out of him.

Porter Goss was hailed by colleagues on Capitol Hill Wednesday after getting fired as head of the Central Intelligence Agency. He lasted 18 months. He had no choice but to quit after Karl Rove leaked his identity to the New York Times.

Fox News chairman Rupert Murdoch agreed Tuesday to host a fundraiser in July for Hillary Clinton's U.S. Senate campaign. We all change. Fox News was founded in opposition to everything the Clintons stand for, but then so was Plymouth Colony.

Cingular Wireless took down a ringtone available on its Web site Tuesday. It featured the voice of a Southern sheriff telling an illegal alien to put down the oranges and prepare to be deported. California growers never had to use illegal aliens to pick oranges until Bing Crosby's sons realized that they had other choices in life.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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