HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

The St. Louis Cardinals beat New York Thursday to advance to the World Series with the Detroit Tigers. It's an entertaining matchup. The last time the makers of Budweiser met up with Motor City, Mel Gibson nearly started a war in the Middle East.

The Dallas Cowboys will host the New York Giants tonight. Superstars Terrell Owens and Jeremy Shockey spent all weekend watching film. The coaches sent them to see Marie Antoinette to show them what eventually happens to all prima donnas.

The FBI said the threat to blow up NFL stadiums Sunday was a hoax by two guys competing to think up the scariest terror scenario. What an idiotic contest. It's horrifying to realize that Jackass Two was more inspiring than Flags of Our Fathers.

New York prosecutors announced Friday they won't prosecute John Gotti Junior a fourth time after failing three previous times to convict him on racketeering charges. The first three trials ended in hung juries. That's enough casualties.

Sir Paul McCartney registered his name as a trademark for use on a clothing line and vegetarian foods. He really doesn't need to trademark it. No one's going to want to steal his name while it's being sued for one billion dollars in alimony.

Journal Science says U.S. and British scientists successfully tested a cloak of invisibility. It uses heat to bend light and create a mirage to cloak things from the naked eye. It's how mobsters and adulterers moved around freely in Las Vegas for years.

Mark Foley named the Florida priest who abused him as a teen Friday, an experience he blames for his propositions to underage congressional pages. He's entered alcohol rehab. His fellow Republicans sincerely hope that the Scotch was older than the boys.

Ethel Kennedy approved the new movie Bobby, about her husband Robert Kennedy, last week. Her approval must mean it depicts no extra-marital affairs by the Kennedy boys. That's like showing a movie about the Bush family and leaving out the invasion.

President Bush met with his top commanders in Iraq on Friday. They described an Iraqi government that is corrupt and inept and bitterly divided by religious factions. Now that they have an American-style democracy, maybe it's time to come home.

President Bush signed a law on Tuesday allowing him to do warrantless wiretaps and giving him power to declare any American a terrorist. He needs these powers. He doesn't want to go in front of the House impeachment committee defenseless next year.

The Republican Party aired campaign commercials on Friday starring Osama bin Laden. There's a downside to giving him so much TV time every other October. It only serves to renew his Screen Actors Guild medical insurance and save his kidney.

Colorado's Steven Howards sued the Secret Service for arresting him after he approached Dick Cheney at an outdoor mall in Beaver Creek and politely expressed his disapproval of the decision to go to war in Iraq. The lawsuit won't succeed. It costs a minimum of a thousand dollars a plate to say anything to the vice president.

The Supreme Court ruled Friday to allow Arizona to require voters to display a photo ID as required by a ballot measure two years ago. It's a new strategy to combat illegal aliens. The idea is to run them out of film and lamination equipment.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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