BEVERLY HILLS -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight reached out during a timeout Monday and cuffed one of his young players on the chin late in the game. The dictatorial bully's timing was fortunate. The Iraq Study Group never thought of installing Bobby Knight.

Queen Elizabeth attended the London premiere of Casino Royale Tuesday. Her Majesty always attends the James Bond premieres. She can never remember to write down the martini recipe so she has to white knuckle it til the next movie comes out.

Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Tuesday it's returning Colonel Sanders' face to its logo. That's nice. His face was removed eight years ago when Republicans were impeaching every white Southern Democrat who was associated with plump chicks.

Roman Catholic bishops Monday banned people who have sex outside of marriage and married couples using contraceptives from taking communion. The churches may have the same problem Republicans just had in the South. There's a cracker shortage.

President Bush met Tuesday with Detroit's Big Three automakers. Afterwards, the carmakers said President Bush will prevail in Iraq, and Mr. Bush said U.S. automakers will beat Japan. Putting lithium in the candy dishes made all the difference.

Tony Blair said Tuesday he thinks the Israeli-Palestinian conflict will have to be solved before the U.S. can get out of Iraq. It could be worse. He could have said the Roadrunner-Coyote conflict will have to be solved before we get out of Iraq.

Tony Blair suggested Tuesday that we enlist Iran and Syria to help us pacify Iraq. That would make us partners with the Axis of Evil. Then the only question between George Bush and Tony Blair is who gets to be the Riddler and who has to be the Joker.

Iraqi insurgents disguised as local police kidnapped thirty people in Baghdad Tuesday morning, then released them hours later. The kidnappings had to be very carefully choreographed. Americans won't watch anything except dancing competitions.

Puerto Rico passed a sales tax Tuesday in a historic first for the Caribbean island. As a U.S. possession, they get U.S. protection but don't have to pay U.S. income taxes.

So this is why Wesley Snipes's birthday is a national holiday in Puerto Rico.

The House of Representatives rejected a bill Tuesday that would give Vietnam permanent normal trade relations. The president happens to be going to Vietnam this very week. It's what happens to men of his generation who flunk their midterms.

Incoming House Homeland Security Chairman Bennie Thompson vowed not to fund the fence on the Mexican border. He said Democrats don't think the fence is a good idea. It's more evidence the Democrats will have their next political convention in Jonestown.

Nevada banned smoking in restaurants in Tuesday's election. This is a state where whiskey, gambling and prostitution is legal around the clock. When you're having that much fun, the last thing you wanna do is take time out for a chest X-ray.

A Southwest flight from Los Angeles to Raleigh was met by FBI agents Tuesday after an affectionate couple refused to stop snuggling in a sexual manner.

Other passengers complained. The man was arrested and charged with not bringing enough for everybody.

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