ONCA CITY -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

New Orleans welcomed many people back home for Mardi Gras on Tuesday. It was heartwarming to see returning evacuees putting on a cheerful face after losing their houses and cars and everything. Those were the ones who had fled to Las Vegas.

The Academy Awards will be telecast live from the Kodak Theater in Hollywood Sunday. Don't miss a minute of it. In keeping with the spirit of the evening, the Academy will pay posthumous tribute to John Wayne and his third wife, Walter Brennan.

James Bond fans announced a boycott of the next Bond movie over actor Daniel Craig. He can't drive a stick shift, a stuntman broke his front teeth and his chest is shaved. In James Bond's final movie he turns into a satire of Austin Powers.

Anna Nicole Smith came to the Supreme Court dressed in widow's garb Friday. It figures. The first thing Adam and Eve did after eating the apple was gather fig leaves and sew loin cloths, making g-string tailoring the world's oldest profession.

John McCain proposed an immigration bill that lets illegal aliens earn their way to citizenship. It's a typical senator's solution. When he found out how much they pay those coyotes he figured he could just invite them to his fundraisers.

Bill Clinton, it was learned Wednesday, advised the United Arab Emirates how to do the ports deal while Hillary was trying to stop it. She's with the people and he's with the money. Division of labor is the key to a successful presidential campaign.

Health Secretary Mike Leavitt said Thursday it's just a matter of time before bird flu arrives and infects domestic flocks. Vaccinations are our only hope. It's not like we can count on our vice president to protect us from killer birds.

Condoleezza Rice summoned a local television reporter to the State Department gym Tuesday to videotape her workout routine. The Secretary of State is in tip-top shape. For five years she's been putting in eight hours a day on the Yes Master.

President Bush was warned of Hurricane Katrina's power to smash levees on a White House video leaked Thursday. It's not news. Pharaoh ordered his chariots to pursue Moses after being assured by the Army Corps of Engineers that the Red Sea would hold.

President Bush advised India Thursday about how to protect itself from a terrorist attack. They listened only out of courtesy. There are a billion Indians, which means they know better than to listen to a doctor whose office plants have died.

President Bush paid a visit to the Afghanistan capital of Kabul Wednesday. Al-Qaida is holed up in the nearby mountains. They have so much freedom up there that Osama bin Laden and Mullah Omar just pitched a gay terrorist movie to Paramount.

Saddam Hussein told the court Wednesday he had a perfect right to prosecute and execute Shiites because they tried to kill him. He executed an entire town for opposing him. Tom DeLay said it taught him everything he knows about redistricting.

The Chicago Tribune ran a survey on Wednesday asking Americans about the First Amendment. Twenty percent think it protects their right to own a pet. The other 80 percent think it gives them the right to go to and from Mexico as they please.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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