HOLLYWOOD ? God bless America, and how's everybody?

The Supreme Court agreed to hear Anna Nicole Smith's claim on Howard Marshall's oil fortune. She was a stripper and he was a dirty old oilman. When they took the Ten Commandments off the courthouse steps there was no way to keep the case out.

Los Angeles was surrounded by major brushfires in the suburbs Thursday. They followed two major hurricanes on the Gulf Coast. Meteorologists just surveyed all the damage by satellite and called the Bush presidency the worst disaster in the nation's history.

Los Angeles wildfires caused the worst smog in thirty years Thursday. It was smoggy back then. When people discuss Los Angeles in the Seventies, they always talk about the alcohol and drugs and casual sex but they never mention the bad part.

The San Francisco 49ers played the Arizona Cardinals last night in a regular season game in Mexico City. The conditions were brutal. By halftime, half a dozen players were carried off the field and after that they didn't go near the water boy.

President Bush on Friday gave Saudi Arabia another six months to stop abusing religious minorities or face the consequences. The president needs to tread lightly now. If we liberate Saudi Arabia we're going to have to run our cars on coal.

Hillary Clinton looked to be a lock for re-election in New York state polls Friday as momentum builds for her presidential bid. America needs the Clintons back in the White House. The nation is tired of war jokes and wants to go back to sex jokes.

Michael Brown told Congress last Monday Louisiana leaders were dysfunctional during the relief effort in New Orleans. He remains faultless. Two weeks ago Michael Brown resigned as director of FEMA so he could spend more time keeping his wife and family waiting.

Congress concluded Friday the White House produced illegal covert propaganda by paying columnists and releasing fake news stories. Was it necessary? At Fox News they must feel like the cheated-on wife who never denied her husband anything.

William Bennett caused an uproar Thursday when he hypothesized on radio that the crime rate would be cut if all black babies were aborted. He advocates keeping God in the classroom. Bill Bennett is a living argument for separation of head and body.

Episcopal churches opposed to gay marriage threatened to leave the Anglican Communion Thursday. It goes back and forth. After seeing those photographs of Abu Ghraib prison abuse many Protestants have come to see gay marriage as the middle way.

USA Today reported Friday that gasoline sales are down fifteen percent. They said high gas prices are wiping out cigarette, candy and soft drink sales. There's a risk everyone could live to a hundred and bankrupt the entire Social Security system.

The White House Commission on Tax Simplification asked Congress for more time to finish their task Friday. They were delayed by computer problems. They're still trying to figure out a way to get the shirt off your back through the telephone line.

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin urged the city's population Tuesday to come home right away. He means now. If they don't, a million Mexican drywall contractors will rebuild New Orleans by Friday and Bourbon Street will be one big Mariachi band.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

Trending Video

This Week's Circulars

Recommended for you