OLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

Al-Qaida conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui got life in prison on Wednesday. The jury denied him his martyr's entrance to heaven. If he wants to spend eternity with 72 virgins he can start in a place where he is considered one of them.

Los Angeles Lakers center Kwame Brown learned Sunday he's being investigated for sexual assault. The same thing happened to Kobe Bryant three years ago. If the Lakers don't make it into the NBA Finals they have a great future as a lacrosse team.

Pete Rose Junior was sent to prison Wednesday for selling GBL pills to minor leaguers. The drug can be used as a steroid, an auto engine lubricant or a date rape drug. Jerry Springer always keeps a candy dish full of them in the green room for his guests.

Sopranos star John Ventimiglia was arrested Monday for cocaine possession. He is the fourth cast member arrested for drugs. The producer just announced he's moving production from New Jersey to Mexico where they won't have these interruptions.

Mexico's Congress voted to legalize possession of user amounts of pot and cocaine on Thursday. It provided an entire generation with its first senior moment. Baby Boomers are complaining to anyone who will listen how easy these kids have it today.

Bolivian President Evo Morales seized Exxon Mobil's oil facilities in Bolivia, declaring they belong to the people. This communist act did not go unpunished. The next day the mayor of Los Angeles ordered Bolivia's flag lowered over City Hall.

The House of Representatives passed a bill Wednesday to make price gouging at the gasoline pump illegal. The lawmakers are livid. They want to know why oil company profits are so high while their money under the table has remained the same.

President Bush talked business with Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel at the White House Wednesday. He keeps calling Mideast dictators another Hitler, and Germany wants royalties for use of the name. This free downloading has got to stop.

The White House said Thursday they may stop televising press briefings. They just hired a television host as press secretary and now they're going to turn off the cameras. No wonder the Iraqis won't take their advice about how to run a government.

President Bush said Wednesday high gas prices are a wake-up call to everyone in office. You have to feel for him. It defeats the purpose of wiretapping if all the terrorists ever do is complain about the price of gas to each other on the phone.

President Bush urged Congress Wednesday to approve a bill to prepare for any pandemic. He's determined to stop bird flu. President Bush just asked Dick Cheney to shoot the St. Louis Cardinals before they infect Republican states in the Midwest.

Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff warned Wednesday that a bird flu epidemic could cause total chaos. There's no way to stop it. The Minutemen just reported that half the Mexicans crossing the border illegally are carrying chickens.

Bill Clinton saluted himself Wednesday for persuading the American Beverage Association not to sell soft drinks at schools. He said in the war against obesity, this is a big blow. Bill Clinton can't even open a diet cola without it being a sex joke.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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