OLLYWOOD ??God bless America, and how's everybody?

"Monica the Musical," it was announced Thursday, will open on the New York stage in just three weeks. The plot is a familiar tale. It's the same old story of boy meets girl, girl neglects to take her dress to the dry cleaners, boy gets impeached.

Art Garfunkel was arrested Tuesday after he ran a stop sign in Woodstock and police found a marijuana joint sitting in his ashtray still lit. Lucky for him he has a California doctor. He could have been killed if he had taken the arthritis medicine.

Rudy Giuliani said Tuesday he'll soon decide on a presidential run. When his wife kicked him out of the house for infidelity he slept on the sofa of two gay friends. He might as well register in the South Carolina primary as Ulysses S. Grant.

Southern California was hit by earthquakes Wednesday. Days earlier a hurricane hit Louisiana and tornadoes struck Georgia. Cindy Sheehan just gave up on Iraq and asked the president if he would settle for less violence on the Weather Channel.

Cindy Sheehan is in Houston today to ask for a meeting with Tom DeLay. She said 10,000 people visited her Camp Casey protest site during August. If she got a dollar from each of them, that should get her a meeting with Tom DeLay.

Lance Armstrong last week denied French claims he took steroids. Why believe anything the French say? You can't trust a country that built a seaport 10 feet below sea level and conned Thomas Jefferson into paying $6 million for it.

The White House reportedly asked Bill Clinton and former President Bush on Wednesday to head an international relief effort for American hurricane victims. We're about to find out who our friends are. Mexico was the first to offer to send people here.

Hurricane Katrina, it was announced Thursday, knocked out oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico and halted production. That made it the deadliest hurricane in history. When gasoline hit $4 per gallon Americans realized we're all about to die.

The New Orleans Saints began searching Thursday for a place to play their home games. It's temporary. It would take a heartless city with no conscience to step in now and steal the team, and Los Angeles is always ready when its number is called.

President Bush was photographed Wednesday gazing out the window of Air Force One as he surveyed the flooded-out towns and underwater rice farms in southern Louisiana. He looked deeply upset. He thought he had been sent to Vietnam after all.

The FDA women's health chief resigned Wednesday. She's angry the agency won't allow over-the-counter sales of the morning-after pill. The pills are designed for women because generally speaking, men are nowhere to be found the morning after.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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