HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

The Vatican said Friday Intelligent Design is not science and must not be taught in science class. No one knows for sure. It may well be that life is merely a series of random events and there is no master plan, but enough about Iraq.

Congressman John Murtha on Thursday called for a troop pullout from Iraq. It prompted a circus on the floor of Congress. A three-way debate broke out between advocates of partial withdrawal versus complete withdrawal versus the rhythm method.

"Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" set an opening weekend box office record Friday. Pride and Prejudice is also a hit. This Thursday, American families will gather at dinner tables to humor the Pilgrims' belief that they had escaped England.

Philadelphia Eagles star Terrell Owens pleaded for reinstatement Friday after being suspended for insubordination. He catches everything thrown his way and he has tremendous speed. It's easier to overthrow Fidel Castro than it is Terrell Owens.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency told Hurricane Katrina victims Thursday there is no more motel money available. However, the administration did move to help the hurricane survivors get back on their feet. They repossessed their cars.

President Bush's brother Marvin heard pitches last week from schools wanting the George W. Bush Presidential Library. The president is expected to announce where his library will be in two to six months. Everything depends upon the special counsel right now.

President Bush returns to Washington D.C. today with his Iraq policy in shambles and a new grand jury looking into his staff. In Washington, everybody keeps a running score. Democrats never forgave the first President Bush for naming his speedboat the Fidelity.

President Bush said in South Korea Friday a U.S. troop pullout from Iraq would be a disaster. He vowed to stay there until we win. If this were any more like Vietnam, George Hamilton would be dating the Bush twins to keep from getting drafted.

Congress descended into booing and name-calling on the floor on Friday. They were debating John Murtha's proposal to leave Iraq. Popular support for the war has been eroding ever since President Bush said the oil belongs to the Iraqi people.

White House press secretary Scott McClellan charged Friday that John Murtha has joined the Michael Moore crowd. The congressman is a decorated Vietnam War hero and U.S. Marine. If this situation were any uglier a Peeping Tom would pull the shades.

The Nixon Library said Friday it will co-sponsor a Vietnam conference at the John F. Kennedy Library in Boston. Reaction was swift. The White House issued a terse statement accusing Nixon and Kennedy of being part of the Michael Moore crowd.

Bill Clinton urged all restaurants Friday to change their menus to healthy food. He referred to lettuce, carrots, celery and mineral water. You knew it was just a matter of time before Bill Clinton was the spokesman for the Supermodel Diet.

Congress voted itself a three-thousand-dollar pay raise Friday and postponed work on budget bills until after their two-week vacation. One question. What on earth does the Iraqi Assembly have against establishing an American-style democracy?

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

This Week's Circulars

Recommended for you