OLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

The London Standard reports Princess Diana was wiretapped by U.S. intelligence agencies nine years ago in the months leading up to her death. Our spies had no choice. At the time it was their job to protect the president from an atomic blonde.

President Bush decided Tuesday to delay his speech about changing course in Iraq until January. He was going to make the speech before Christmas, but he changed his mind. He wants to see what Santa brings him before he admits to how bad he has been.

NBA Commissioner David Stern agreed Monday to replace the synthetic basketball he forced on the league. He had vowed to stay the course but finally saw he was wrong. It looks like James Baker got better results with his Basketball Study Group.

Ohio State's Troy Smith wasn't allowed by airport security to board the plane home with his Heisman Trophy Saturday. It's only common sense. Everybody knows there is a very good chance that if you have a Heisman Trophy you also have a knife.

Lindsay Lohan told People magazine she has been going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in Beverly Hills for a year. It's an improvement. Actors and actresses used to have to go to Democratic fundraisers to be seen by the top directors in town.

Nextel Cup champ Jimmie Johnson broke his left wrist in a freak golf accident Friday during a celebrity tournament in Florida. He told his friends he fell off the golf cart. It's how Republicans tell each other they have started drinking again.

Ralph Nader entered his documentary "An Unreasonable Man" for an Academy Award Monday. He's up against Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth." What is it about Al Gore that makes Ralph Nader want to follow him around and keep him from winning anything?

The Senate Ethics Committee cleared Harry Reid Monday, a week after the House Ethics Committee cleared everyone in the Mark Foley scandal. The ethics committees are like paper in the birdcage. It just absorbs everything and then it's thrown out.

The New York Post tried to embarrass Sen. Barack Obama Tuesday with an article about his flaws. It said he's a heavy smoker and his middle name is Hussein. If Barack Obama isn't elected president he could become the season-long villain on "24."

Tom DeLay predicted Tuesday that Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic nominee and will choose Barack Obama as her running mate. Talk about controversy. Do Democrats really think they can win the presidency by nominating an attack ad on Harold Ford?

President Bush told Fox News on Sunday the burden of the Iraq War is joyful because so many people are praying for him. He's newly humble. Just three years ago he thought the burden was joyful because so many people were praying to him.

The White House went to court Tuesday to appeal a judge's decision requiring the government to redesign currency so blind people can tell the bills apart. It's easy. If they feel one dot on the face, it's George Washington, five dots on the face, it's Abe Lincoln, and if it's one hundred dots on the face, it's Vladimir Putin.

Iran caused outrage by hosting a conference of Holocaust deniers. They said Israel uses the Holocaust to further Zionist aims. Israel didn't care what the conference said until they declared "Apocalypto" the feel-good movie of the year.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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